I am finally starting to feel a little more human after all the drama that has taken place over the last month. I had my hormone levels checked today and they have fallen, thank goodness. We still need to recheck every week until they are at zero. But my emotions are still healing along with my body. I thought I was doing well until I got a call from the Relief Society today. They had just heard from my visiting teachers what I have been dealing with, and wanted to offer any help or support. Very thoughtful, but it brought all my emotions to the surface and I have been on the verge of tears all day.
All the things I usually do to lift my spirits have been put on hold for some time...ie; going for a run, serving others ( besides my own family), practicing Zumba, hanging out with friends etc. I just have not had the health or energy to do anything but get better and make sure my family is fed and clothed. The house is a mess. I am feeling overwhelmed at all the catching up I need to do, not to mention all the stuff I need to clean/organize to get our house ready to be up for sale. I just feel like staying in bed and I hate that feeling! I need to do something to get my mojo back.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
A dose of DRAMA
I am a performer. I have been on the stage regularly since I was about 10 years old. I love it. I thrive on it. Although our life circumstances of the last 3 and a half years have prevented me from being on a stage much, I have not been leading a life void of drama. Here is the latest:
Having kids and supporting a husband through medical residency is an adventure in and of its self. After all the heart ache, time, and treatments we went through when we felt it was time to have another baby, I figured I was done. I thought we were supposed to have a bigger family (bigger than three kids anyway), but our last one was such a miracle (read older posts) that I was trying to be okay with it. I am grateful for them. They are amazing, and smart, and healthy. In comes the drama.
A few weeks ago we got a positive pregnancy test. Don't congratulate me yet... It was a lovely welcome surprise. We were happy, but things felt different. I thought maybe that meant twins or something along those lines. I felt like I was already "showing" a little, but there were not really any other symptoms. Then I had a little bleeding. I was sad and figured it was an early miscarriage. The bleeding was short lived, and when we checked my hormone levels it seemed ok.
Because of my crazy obstetrical history we knew we needed an ultrasound as soon as it was feasible to see anything in the uterus. So, we waited....waiting is very hard in times like these. On Christmas Eve we went in to do a scan. Hubby was manning the ultrasound machine. We took a deep breath. There was nothing remarkable in the uterus. Was it too early? There was something questionable where my remaining fallopian tube should be. Was it another tubal pregnancy?! I thought that tube was healthy. We weren't sure. More waiting. Not a great way to spend Christmas. Then the pain began. I was so nervous. When we went to the hospital and some of hubby's great colleagues did another scan. It looked like there was something in the uterus, but it wasn't regular. It could have just been a collection of fluid, but it looked like it used to be an early pregnancy. The right tube still didn't look right though. My pain had subsided so I was sent home with directions to return in the morning.
We knew at this point that there wasn't a viable pregnancy happening, but we didn't know what was happening. Another scan by my favorite ultrasonographer still didn't give all the answers. When she looked she did not see anything in the uterus indicating a pregnancy, but when she saw the scan from the day before, she was convinced that there was a pregnancy there at one point. The tube still didn't look right. The chances of having a pregnancy in both places is about 1 in 30,000. Also, the egg that contributed to this drama came from the ovary without the tube...it migrated to the remaining tube...yeah, apparently that can happen.
My only choices at this point were surgery to investigate (and most likely losing my only tube) or taking Methotrexate to try to resolve things medically. Awful! Surgery is serious. I did that only 11 months ago and I didn't want to lose my only tube! But, the medicine is potent...I could not nurse our 10 month old for 4 days if I chose that route. Either way, I have to now live with the fact that if I get pregnant again the same thing could happen. A lot of praying, and crying. Don't you love drama?
Here were my thoughts. I had done the ectopic (tubal) thing before. In fact, the first time we got pregnant it was ectopic....then we went on to easily have two children. Then all the infertility drama, IVF and another ectopic. Then our miracle. We got pregnant with our little Savvy just weeks after surgery to remove my left tube...all natural, no drugs or treatments. I didn't want to prevent the Good Lord from granting more miracles like that. I took the Methotrexate and waited....
It was very hard not nursing my baby when I knew that is what she wanted. Only four days...we can do this. Then more pain. Such awful pain! Hubby says it was the tube spasming as the ectopic resolved. It felt like giving birth...for three days....without the lovely ending. I tried pain meds. They barely took the edge off, and they made me very nauseous. Here I was, incapacitated, and hubby had to go back to work! Residency is not the kind of job where you can call in sick. Insane. He was worried to leave me alone because there was a chance that the meds wouldn't resolve everything and I would need to be rushed to the hospital. I couldn't take care of our kids in my state. In steps my good friend and visiting teacher. She stayed at my house all day. Took care of my kids, helped me cope and made sure I didn't die. She and her family deserve a medal.
My pain is now minimal. I am not out of the woods entirely, but I am hopeful that everything will be okay eventually. And now that I know the clock is ticking...we have to find out/decide what God's plan is for our family. I hope that means a few more miracles and a little less drama.
Having kids and supporting a husband through medical residency is an adventure in and of its self. After all the heart ache, time, and treatments we went through when we felt it was time to have another baby, I figured I was done. I thought we were supposed to have a bigger family (bigger than three kids anyway), but our last one was such a miracle (read older posts) that I was trying to be okay with it. I am grateful for them. They are amazing, and smart, and healthy. In comes the drama.
A few weeks ago we got a positive pregnancy test. Don't congratulate me yet... It was a lovely welcome surprise. We were happy, but things felt different. I thought maybe that meant twins or something along those lines. I felt like I was already "showing" a little, but there were not really any other symptoms. Then I had a little bleeding. I was sad and figured it was an early miscarriage. The bleeding was short lived, and when we checked my hormone levels it seemed ok.
Because of my crazy obstetrical history we knew we needed an ultrasound as soon as it was feasible to see anything in the uterus. So, we waited....waiting is very hard in times like these. On Christmas Eve we went in to do a scan. Hubby was manning the ultrasound machine. We took a deep breath. There was nothing remarkable in the uterus. Was it too early? There was something questionable where my remaining fallopian tube should be. Was it another tubal pregnancy?! I thought that tube was healthy. We weren't sure. More waiting. Not a great way to spend Christmas. Then the pain began. I was so nervous. When we went to the hospital and some of hubby's great colleagues did another scan. It looked like there was something in the uterus, but it wasn't regular. It could have just been a collection of fluid, but it looked like it used to be an early pregnancy. The right tube still didn't look right though. My pain had subsided so I was sent home with directions to return in the morning.
We knew at this point that there wasn't a viable pregnancy happening, but we didn't know what was happening. Another scan by my favorite ultrasonographer still didn't give all the answers. When she looked she did not see anything in the uterus indicating a pregnancy, but when she saw the scan from the day before, she was convinced that there was a pregnancy there at one point. The tube still didn't look right. The chances of having a pregnancy in both places is about 1 in 30,000. Also, the egg that contributed to this drama came from the ovary without the tube...it migrated to the remaining tube...yeah, apparently that can happen.
My only choices at this point were surgery to investigate (and most likely losing my only tube) or taking Methotrexate to try to resolve things medically. Awful! Surgery is serious. I did that only 11 months ago and I didn't want to lose my only tube! But, the medicine is potent...I could not nurse our 10 month old for 4 days if I chose that route. Either way, I have to now live with the fact that if I get pregnant again the same thing could happen. A lot of praying, and crying. Don't you love drama?
Here were my thoughts. I had done the ectopic (tubal) thing before. In fact, the first time we got pregnant it was ectopic....then we went on to easily have two children. Then all the infertility drama, IVF and another ectopic. Then our miracle. We got pregnant with our little Savvy just weeks after surgery to remove my left tube...all natural, no drugs or treatments. I didn't want to prevent the Good Lord from granting more miracles like that. I took the Methotrexate and waited....
It was very hard not nursing my baby when I knew that is what she wanted. Only four days...we can do this. Then more pain. Such awful pain! Hubby says it was the tube spasming as the ectopic resolved. It felt like giving birth...for three days....without the lovely ending. I tried pain meds. They barely took the edge off, and they made me very nauseous. Here I was, incapacitated, and hubby had to go back to work! Residency is not the kind of job where you can call in sick. Insane. He was worried to leave me alone because there was a chance that the meds wouldn't resolve everything and I would need to be rushed to the hospital. I couldn't take care of our kids in my state. In steps my good friend and visiting teacher. She stayed at my house all day. Took care of my kids, helped me cope and made sure I didn't die. She and her family deserve a medal.
My pain is now minimal. I am not out of the woods entirely, but I am hopeful that everything will be okay eventually. And now that I know the clock is ticking...we have to find out/decide what God's plan is for our family. I hope that means a few more miracles and a little less drama.
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