I really tried

I am discovering that the public school system is quite flawed. It is designed to produce people who will follow orders and show up on time. These are not bad things necessarily...but they are not enough. I fought so hard. I wanted my child to go to a school that I felt good about. I researched, I visited and prayed about all the "choices". That was the problem...I thought that I actually had a choice. I could choose to leave the school that we live near because of the poor test scores. The district had paperwork that listed all the other schools we could consider. I did a lot of foot work! Come to find out there really wasn't much choice. Everyone who leaves our neighborhood school gets sent to a certain other school. They made it seem like we actually had some say in where she went.....that was very misleading.
The other school that is our only choice...was not one of my first choices. It is under heavy construction...a chaotic mess. The test scores are better, yet I still feel uncomfortable about it. Pooka-shell can take a school bus...she is excited, I am nervous. I need to keep her safe...I need to let her grow up but not let the world decide how or when. I considered home schooling very seriously. But because there was a "chance" that I could get her into a school I felt comfortable about....I wasn't prepared.
I will be closely guiding her as she educates herself. I her experience to be rich and full. She is exceptional! She will get more, and better than I did. She will realize that she can learn from classics and great mentors...not just school books and arbitrary grades. As I learn more, so will she. We are setting the stage...the example for the rest of the children in our family. Thank goodness for the wonderful libraries here. We will make the best from our situation. It will be interesting to see how this school year goes for her. She will be assessed for the "gifted and talented" program, and either subject, or full grade acceleration. It will be a process to discover where she stands academically in all the subjects. Here we go...wish us luck.

All I want for Christmas.....

For weeks now, Pooka-shell has been wriggling her two top front teeth. They were becoming quite a nuisance when she tried to eat. She even told me she was afraid they might fall out at night and go down her throat. She lost her first two (bottom) when she was only five years old.....I thought that was a little early. And now, at six years of age, two more are gone!

It is a strange thing for a mother to witness such rites of passage in her first born. I wasn't prepared for how much older she would look...and sound with those teeth missing. I sat with her and encouraged her to wriggle and twist them. We used a little teething gel left over from her baby days. She kept at it, and as it was becoming apparent that they were truly coming out....she was "shaking with excitement just like Wilbur" (her words, she just finished reading Charlotte's Web). Her little face flushed and her fingers shook...then out came the tooth! So exciting. The next one took some patience, but she did it. Here are the results.

11 years and counting ....

Happy birthday yesterday to a hard working, amazing daddy, always humorous doctor hubby! Yesterday was also our 11 year wedding anniversary. It is kind of neat having both days in one. For one thing, hubby will never forget his own birthday...therefore he will always remember our anniversary....good insurance for him ;0)

At this stage in our lives we are not able to celebrate such momentous occasions in a way I feel is fitting to the importance of them. Hubby was working all day...I had errands to run and meetings to attend. And we have no money to spare. We did the best we could. The kiddos made him their own style of birthday cards and even woke up at 3:30 a.m. to give them to him as he left for work. I got him one single present and hoped he could manage to get off work before 10 p.m. so we could spend a few minutes together.

Miraculously he was home by 7 o'clock (thanks to co-workers who helped) and our very kind friends were willing to watch our kids at a moments notice so we could go to dinner. The dinner was great and inexpensive. The time together was rare. The birthday cake and candles made it an occasion....and we did celebrate the wonderful day that hubby was born and our family began. Here's to many more!

Bubba-Do is four

Today our Bubba-do is four years old...Where did the time go? When we moved here, his big sister was the four year old and he was still the baby. Now he is dangerously close to kindergarten. I love how he adores frogs. I love that he constantly says "Mommy, I wuv you!". I love how generous he is...he almost always shares with everyone..especially big sister. I love that he is always excited to help with everything...even cleaning a toilet. I love that he is mechanically minded and is always pushing buttons, taking things apart etc. I love holding him...and the fact that at four years old he only weighs 27 pounds makes him so holdable. He is sweet and funny and brave and very intelligent.

I am so glad we have a little boy. They really are as charming as everyone told me they would be.

Daddy even had the weekend off to celebrate with us! The men of the house on party day.

Happy Birthday Bubba-do. I am so glad you were born. We love you!

Independance day

This fourth of July was different. The weather was beautiful, the sparklers were lit....we even had a nice dinner with friends. But this year the fourth of July landed on a Sunday, the Sabbath. We did not go to the parade...we were in Sacrament Meeting (worship service). It was an important lesson for our children...to show them where our priorities lie.

When we moved to the Midwest I never fathomed that holidays would be celebrated on Sunday. Naive? Maybe...it just wasn't on my radar to wonder. Growing up in Utah, if a holiday did land on Sunday, everything was just celebrated the day before, no question about it. Here everything is open on Sunday and it is really just viewed as the same as every other day of the week. City wide activities, carnivals, parades....you name it...usually on Sunday. Kind of stinks

It was interesting thinking on the driving force that created this great nation.... The desire for freedom to worship according to the dictates of our own conscience. We have that freedom so many lived and died for. As I attended church with my family on the fourth of July, I could think of no more appropriate place to be.

"Customer NON-Service"

Times are tough.... We all feel a financial pinch these days. We are at the point that we are trying to get a modification on our mortgage loan. Let me first say...This did not happen because we bought some hugely out of our budget house. It is a comfy place that fits our family's needs at this time. We bought 2 years ago with an interest-only special loan for physicians in training. The interest only part will last for 5 years, which is fine because we will only be living here for 4....Then comes the problem.

I think we were hoodwinked...don't you love that word? Our monthly payment was manageable...we were doing fine. Then suddenly we find out that when we bought the house, the "estimated" property taxes were way under "estimated". Our payment needed to increase by over $400 a month to cover escrow! Not cool. It isn't like we were the only house on this street and the title company couldn't have known what the property taxes were going to be....hoodwinked I tell you.

So we have been working with our mortgage company to modify our loan. I am glad this option exists, or we would have had to move, but the process is infuriating. Our mortgage company's customer service is amazingly horrid. Not the people mind you....they are relatively nice, considering. It is the system the company has of dealing with folks doing these modifications.
We actually started this process last year in December. We filled out tons of paperwork and were assured we would be contacted if anything further was needed from us. After not hearing from the bank in some time, I called to see what the hold up was. "Oh didn't someone tell you... we are requesting copies of your bank statements etc." So we faxed the requested items that next day.
It turns out that the bank had "requested" those items long before I ever found out about the "request". Also they had issues with the fact that our bank statements had a web address on them....well duh....we only do online banking/paperless...Those are the only statements we have access to! So they decided to cancel/deny our request for modification....."Your only option is to start the process over." Holy Hannah!!! So we started over....vowing to call the bank weekly so they don't pull the same garbage.

The typical phone call to his bank goes something like this. "Hi, I have paperwork in process for a loan modification and am calling to check on the status, and to see if there have been any requests made for additional information from us." "What is your loan number ma'am? And the last four digits of your social security number?" (I have all these memorized now) After giving them the info they put me on hold to check things out.....I hate their elevator music. After about 5 minutes on hold, they invariably tell me that their department doesn't handle/service my loan so they will transfer me to the right department. This happens every time, no matter what number I call. I wait on hold while they transfer me, and about 40% of the time I get cut off and have to start the whole mess over. Once I reach the second department they usually say "I'm checking the notes on your account......let me put you on hold. After a long hold I usually get sent to yet another "team." Occasionally some inexperienced person will tell me that our request was already disqualified because we didn't send requested info by their deadline. My blood just boils!! "No, no, that was when we tried this process the first time and your company screwed up and made us start over!! Check again please." This system is bonkers. Why doesn't some status indicator come up to any computer in their system when our account info is typed in!?

After being transferred to four different people/teams and being on the phone for more than a half an hour....I finally reach someone who knows something (most of the time) and they tell me "Yes, we received your fax and there are no requests for additional information at this time." Praise the Heavens! I straight answer to a simple question. This is how far we got last time we tried this (before they messed everything up) So if we reach another milestone I might actually believe we will settle this some day. Or maybe they will take so long we will be finished with residency, sell our house and pay the escrow shortfall that was never our fault to begin with. Until then.... I have a weekly date with an arduous, stressful phone call....You jealous?

Random Ramlbings

I am really in the mood to vent...problem is there is no theme. I have a handful of things on my mind and they don't really connect to one another. You will therefore kindly disregard the haphazard nature of this posting.

My beautiful children..... They are out in our backyard playing in the kiddie-pool. There is a window where I can sit inside and keep a very close eye on them without being out in the humidity. They play together so well...this was not always the case. When we brought bubba-do home from the hospital, pooka-shell was two and a half. She had never been a really cuddly, nurturing type (didn't like playing with dolls) so she was not interested in this new baby in the least. That continued up until about a year and a half ago. She had just turned 5 and little brother had suddenly turned into a live in play-mate. They get along wonderfully most of the time, and they play for hours. Sometimes I wonder what I should be doing. When they play for long stretches I think maybe I should join in....have some "quality time"....This never works out right....they play much better with just the two of them.

That brings up a question. Am I a horrible mother because the childrens games they play kind of drive me crazy? Many kids would ask their parents to play toys with them or hide and seek.....My kids want to act out (in detail) the stories they have either read in books or have seen in movies. I don't want to say all the dialogue from The Lion King one more time! This is weird right? I am an actress at heart and love being someone else onstage, but can't stand these type of games for more than a few minutes. I am so glad they have each other...I kind of stink at playing the way they'd like. I try, I really try. I have a great memory too, so I can recite the books and movies they desire....I'd rather read to them any day, or build blocks, or I don't know...I am ranting.

Schooling. I am a parent of a child recently graduated from kindergarten. This year has been a learning experience for me as well as her. I say "me" because hubby doesn't deal directly with most of these issues...he is just trying to survive residency. Our pooka-shell is extremely bright. I know, I know, every parent says this. She started reading very early, and now, after kindergarten, is reading at a third grade level. She picks up new concepts very quickly and has a huge appetite for learning. Her elementary school has some issues. The kindergarten was awesome, but once you get into any of the upper grades...the test scores are very poor and behavior issues abound. We talked a lot about it and prayed for help deciding...we should transfer her to another school for next year. There are a handful of schools that we could look at...I visited every one of them. I toured each place and asked a lot of questions. I had a good feeling about two of the schools, so I requested placement there.....Ugg no room at the inn! The one place there is room is one of the schools I don't feel comfortable with. So now I have to fight to get her where I feel is best. I wish we made actual money so we could send her somewhere great.

Have you ever had some really hard time in your life and thought you were doing okay afterwards....only to find out you aren't quite "okay" yet? It has been almost three weeks since I had surgery to remove a fallopian tube. I am healing well, I even went back to teaching Zumba. I am dealing with everything...or so I thought. I went in for a post-op check up yesterday, and I fell apart. Unfortunately I wasn't able to see any of my regular doctors. They sent in a PA that knows hardly anything about my situation...that did not help. She was clinical and matter of fact. I was on the verge of tears and not hiding it well. It is not just the loss from the surgery. The infertility/IVF roller coaster is a lot to recover from. Not to mention the stresses of being a resident's wife etc.
My faith has been shaken...that is a frightening, unsettling feeling. "This too shall pass" they say, but for now I cry when I talk about these things.....That brings up the last question

Can you be extremely grateful for all the blessings in your life and part of you still ache and wish for things you thought you would have or do or be? Does that sadness mean you are not truly grateful? Or not grateful enough? I have struggled to validate my own feelings. Why should I be sad when I have so much to be happy about? It is sort of like having a dual personality. One who knows how blessed she is and enjoys every moment....the other who is dealing with loss and hurt and disappointment, trying to heal and move on. Somewhere these two meet and become one whole person.

There you have it. That is about 1/4 of all the ramblings in my head......Til you read again