Random Ramlbings

I am really in the mood to vent...problem is there is no theme. I have a handful of things on my mind and they don't really connect to one another. You will therefore kindly disregard the haphazard nature of this posting.

My beautiful children..... They are out in our backyard playing in the kiddie-pool. There is a window where I can sit inside and keep a very close eye on them without being out in the humidity. They play together so well...this was not always the case. When we brought bubba-do home from the hospital, pooka-shell was two and a half. She had never been a really cuddly, nurturing type (didn't like playing with dolls) so she was not interested in this new baby in the least. That continued up until about a year and a half ago. She had just turned 5 and little brother had suddenly turned into a live in play-mate. They get along wonderfully most of the time, and they play for hours. Sometimes I wonder what I should be doing. When they play for long stretches I think maybe I should join in....have some "quality time"....This never works out right....they play much better with just the two of them.

That brings up a question. Am I a horrible mother because the childrens games they play kind of drive me crazy? Many kids would ask their parents to play toys with them or hide and seek.....My kids want to act out (in detail) the stories they have either read in books or have seen in movies. I don't want to say all the dialogue from The Lion King one more time! This is weird right? I am an actress at heart and love being someone else onstage, but can't stand these type of games for more than a few minutes. I am so glad they have each other...I kind of stink at playing the way they'd like. I try, I really try. I have a great memory too, so I can recite the books and movies they desire....I'd rather read to them any day, or build blocks, or I don't know...I am ranting.

Schooling. I am a parent of a child recently graduated from kindergarten. This year has been a learning experience for me as well as her. I say "me" because hubby doesn't deal directly with most of these issues...he is just trying to survive residency. Our pooka-shell is extremely bright. I know, I know, every parent says this. She started reading very early, and now, after kindergarten, is reading at a third grade level. She picks up new concepts very quickly and has a huge appetite for learning. Her elementary school has some issues. The kindergarten was awesome, but once you get into any of the upper grades...the test scores are very poor and behavior issues abound. We talked a lot about it and prayed for help deciding...we should transfer her to another school for next year. There are a handful of schools that we could look at...I visited every one of them. I toured each place and asked a lot of questions. I had a good feeling about two of the schools, so I requested placement there.....Ugg no room at the inn! The one place there is room is one of the schools I don't feel comfortable with. So now I have to fight to get her where I feel is best. I wish we made actual money so we could send her somewhere great.

Have you ever had some really hard time in your life and thought you were doing okay afterwards....only to find out you aren't quite "okay" yet? It has been almost three weeks since I had surgery to remove a fallopian tube. I am healing well, I even went back to teaching Zumba. I am dealing with everything...or so I thought. I went in for a post-op check up yesterday, and I fell apart. Unfortunately I wasn't able to see any of my regular doctors. They sent in a PA that knows hardly anything about my situation...that did not help. She was clinical and matter of fact. I was on the verge of tears and not hiding it well. It is not just the loss from the surgery. The infertility/IVF roller coaster is a lot to recover from. Not to mention the stresses of being a resident's wife etc.
My faith has been shaken...that is a frightening, unsettling feeling. "This too shall pass" they say, but for now I cry when I talk about these things.....That brings up the last question

Can you be extremely grateful for all the blessings in your life and part of you still ache and wish for things you thought you would have or do or be? Does that sadness mean you are not truly grateful? Or not grateful enough? I have struggled to validate my own feelings. Why should I be sad when I have so much to be happy about? It is sort of like having a dual personality. One who knows how blessed she is and enjoys every moment....the other who is dealing with loss and hurt and disappointment, trying to heal and move on. Somewhere these two meet and become one whole person.

There you have it. That is about 1/4 of all the ramblings in my head......Til you read again