"...Because my heart is broken, my spirit, contrite..."

"I will not be afraid, for the Lord Jehovah is my strength and my song" I am strangely okay. I have moments with tears, but I feel mostly peace.

About two weeks ago we got a lovely surprise. A positive pregnancy test. I felt like everything was okay, everything was good. I continued running and biking and feeling nauseated. I never feel nauseous when I'm pregnant. I thought maybe that meant the twins I've sometimes dreamed of. Then it happened. I was about 6 weeks and I started bleeding after a great 3 mile run. I had no pain, but I started feeling very shaky and dizzy. I wanted to just lay down, but I had a doctor's appointment for some unrelated matter so I made the drive to the hospital. By the time I got there I knew something was not right. I called my hubby who was upstairs in OB working. He ordered some labs and said he would meet me at the Ultrasound room. They had to push me in a wheelchair with little Savvy in my lap because I was so dizzy. I thought maybe a miscarriage. Sad, but not uncommon. In the Ultrasound room I was greeted by my favorite ultrasound tech who has been there for all of my dramas and procedures. I took a deep breath, and there it was...another ectopic (tubal) pregnancy. How could that be!? I felt so sure everything was going to be alright! I retrospect I feel the Spirit was comforting me because I would be safe and taken care of. I was in the right place at the right time for the beautiful people at University of Iowa Hospital to save my life....again.

Hours later I was in the OR having my one and only remaining fallopian tube removed. Hubby and I knew it was the right thing to do. The right, safe, and very sad thing we had to do. As soon as we decided that, we also confirmed that we both feel our family is not yet complete. We will follow what ever promptings we receive and try IVF again as soon as possible.

I am recovering, again. With much help from friends and Church members and love sent from our far away families. I cried plenty the day of surgery, but I have not shed a tear again until this moment, as I re-live these feelings...it is very cathartic to write about it all. For now, our family is complete. I feel that. I also feel a yearning for the future and the hope of having all the babies we are meant to have. I will exhaust my options until I am told we are finished. Until we feel finally complete.

I will never have a surprise positive test again. I will also not have another ectopic. We won't ever conceive without medical help again. I am mourning these losses. but counting my blessings.
This roller coaster has made me exponentially grateful for our three beautiful children. They are miracles. I am so thankful to be a mother, to be a wife. To be alive.